Tuesday, August 21, 2012

How to deal with a friend who is impatient

Are you stuck with a friend who is impatient? Is your friend habitually pushing your buttons and constantly rubbing you the wrong way? Can you not brush aside this ‘impatient’ trigger which tends to upset you and avert your peace of mind? Well, if you are one of those friends beset with similar dark apprehensions, you are strongly advised to learn ways to overlook the frailties in your friend. 

Although patience may be a ‘virtue,’ impatience by itself is not a vice; it is most simply a shortcoming- - -negligible in some and prominent in others. And don’t all humans have their peculiar shortcomings? Have you considered the possibility that perhaps, your friend’s impatience could be the figment of your own perception?  It could happen that her spontaneous thoughts, impulsive feelings and hasty actions, are the segments of your personal interpretation of her attitude to life.

Now, even if you continue to believe that this person, with whom you have struck friendship, is truly impatient, it is up to you to deal with her in the best possible way you can. Your best bet would be to find ways to take your friend’s so-called impatience in your stride; accept her friendship and enjoy your friend as she is, without unduly focusing on changing her.

Understandably, your friend’s impatience may turn out to be confusing or even disturbing for you.  In that case, instead of getting unnecessarily perturbed or annoyed, take a deep breath and cool down. Remain calm no matter how peeved you may feel at that particular moment in time. If you truly care for this particular friend, avoid the temptation of simply giving up on your friendship by shelving your friend aside. Do not allow your emotions to disrupt the special bond you have with your friend.

Instead, embrace your friend with all the kindness you can muster. Appreciate her strengths and overlook her impatience. Believe that you can deal with the situation effectively with the largeness of heart and generosity of spirit. Recognize that your friend is human too and has her own peculiar characteristics. Perhaps that’s the way she is by her inherent nature.  Or it could be that your friend is driven by her passion to achieve more to prove her worth to her family, friends or her boss.

Bear in mind that her oddity may have nothing to do with you being a creature of her own free will. She may be your friend; but you don’t own her. It would therefore be most beneficial if you practice tolerance. Make an honest effort to find out what really aggravates your impatience and how best you could avoid it. To help you in your quest of dealing with a friend who is impatient, remember the following words of the great American poet and essayist, “To have a good friend, is one of the greatest delights of life.”

 In the final analysis, it is entirely up to you to strike a balance and enjoy the many splendor joys which your friend can bring into your life. Get to know your friend better. Demonstrate confidence in her potential and ability. This might prompt her to be less edgy, slow down, and not be overly impatient. Your  patience, empathy and persistence, could work together to combat her impatience. Who knows?

Rest assured that taking the cue from your positive vibes, your friend would go out of her way to reiterate her bonds of friendship with you. Once she realizes that you are not one of those friends who could be easily ruffled with her impatience, there is every possibility that she would astutely remain your true, loyal friend till the end of your days. 


Monday, August 6, 2012

How to Avoid Being Impatient While Waiting to See Your Crush

Impatient and waiting to see your crush?Ever feel like you can't wait to see your crush, not even until the next day? Use these tips to ease your frustration.  


  1. Try to do something else to get your mind off of him/her. You shouldn't obsess; it's unhealthy. If you text them every two seconds, they'll get annoyed with you, even if they do like you. You could watch a movie, study, do your homework, go for a walk, read a book, invite a friend over (NOT your crush), go out with friends, take up an instrument (or, if you already play one, do that), and many other things. Don't end up having so much free time that you leave yourself free to think of him/her or pester them.
  2. Limit your contact with him/her. Don't constantly text them or check your phone every 5 seconds for a text or a call. It will only make you think of them more, which will make the next time you see them seem even farther away.
  3. Try to get over them. The sooner you do this, the sooner you leave yourself with less opportunities to waste your time.


  • Don't become obsessive. There can be a fine line between love and obsession, but believe me, you'll know the difference. Ask yourself: do I just want this relationship, or do I actually like this person? Don't drag things out longer than they need to go.


  • Don't annoy them with constant texts or emails.
  • Don't call them on the phone only to talk for hours. Your crush has a life outside of you, and won't like it very much if you take up all of his/her time!
  • Don't visit them every day, for the same reasons above.



Friday, July 20, 2012

Impatience, Release Your Grip!


What is impatience? It is the frustration, anger, and resentment you feel when you’re not able to control a situation to your liking.
Why try to overcome this difficult emotion? Because impatience robs us of our happiness. If we can learn how to melt it away as opposed to conquering it then we can experience a better quality of life.
Why is patience so difficult to achieve? It’s because it requires us to be actively passive about a situation. It’s like trying to forget something. The more you think about it, the harder it is to forget it.
This article will outline the major situations that stir up our impatience and provide techniques you can use to meet the challenge of cultivating patience successfully.chains

What Drives You Up a Wall?

There are 5 major types of situations where we experience impatience. I will address each one in turn. They are:
  1. Dealing with Children
  2. Dealing with (Difficult) Adults
  3. Waiting (short time periods)
  4. Waiting (long time periods)
  5. When Things Don’t Work – computers, cars, gadgets, projects, writing, anything that’s not going your way!

How to Be Patient

1. With Children.
  • Understand and accept that children move at a slower pace. Isn’t that wonderful for them? Maybe not for you in the moment, but contemplate this and remember the joy of being a child. Be happy for that child that they have not yet become a fast moving robot.
  • Slow down to their pace if you can and enjoy it! The rest of the world can just wait! Of course there are times you can’t do this, but look for opportunities when you can.
  • Don’t react negatively to negative emotions in your child. Try to understand why they are having that emotion. They get tired and frustrated just like us. Try not to yell. Instead seek to help them through their emotions. If the child is tired, find a way as soon as possible for them to take a break. A hug can go a long way towards diffusing a frustrated child. If the child is frustrated, model for them how to handle thier frustration positively. It’s ok to huff and puff and let it out, but then it’s time to figure out what to do next. Help them with this. (see below “When Things Don’t Work”)
  • Compassion. Remind yourself that children our vulnerable. They need us to be compassionate. Taking time out to talk about how they feel will make them a stronger adult someday. By talking it out, they will feel better and so will you.
  • Snapping out of it. After discussing it, if the child is having difficulty letting go of the negative feelings, i.e. wallowing, then help them to get distracted enough to snap out of it. Humor works great for this. The earlier you can teach a child to do this the better they will be able to do it on their own later on.
  • Hyperactivity. If you are in a low energy mode and the child is in high energy mode, the solution is to get them to work off some of that energy productively. A trip to the park, beach or a field for some physical activity is optimal. When that’s not an option, you could set them up with an activity such as painting, collage making, a dance contest, a backyard soccer game, whatever. Here is a list of 78 kid activities you can also try. Tip: try to avoid too much sugar and TV as these seem to make kids a little cranky.
  • Good Parenting Resolutions is a helpful resource as well.

2. With Adults
  • Compassion. Ask yourself, “Why does this person act this way?” Seek to understand. You could even try asking the person. Just be sure to do this in a spirit of compassion not in anger or judgement.
  • Acceptance. If you must deal with a difficult person, try this: In your mind say to them “I accept you as you are.” I know this sounds difficult. It can be. But if you practice it, it does work. You will be sending out positive energy to them. They will receive it and, actually, so will you!
  • Force Field. This may sound kooky, but I can tell you from firsthand experience dealing with some very difficult people, that this works. Here’s what you do: Imagine that you have a force field around you that shields you from negativity. We don’t have to absorb negativity. We don’t have to lock in and hook into it. Simply watch it, observe it like a balloon floating by. Just remember, don’t grab the string of that balloon!
  • Avoidance. If you can, stay away or spend as little time as possible with negative people. When conflict arises with a difficult person, have a goal of moving forward as opposed to a goal of “winning.”
  • Be Prepared. Plan how you will react, how you will remain calm, and what you might say.
  • Vent Your Feelings Later and Laugh. Share your stories later in the day with a friend or loved one and choose to be amused by it rather than angry.
3. Waiting – Short Term (such as waiting in line or waiting at a doctor’s office)
  • Read. Use the time to read a magazine, your RSS feed on your cell phone or something you’ve brought with you.
  • Write. Makes some plans. Write a letter. Journal about your day, feelings, whatever.
  • Draw. Do some sketching to make your brain stronger!
  • Rest Your Eyes. Most of us need this anyway. Close your eyes. Hold your hands over them and restore them a little bit.
  • Creative Thinking Time. We all need time to think about things. Waiting is a great opportunity for this. Try it with your eyes closed.
  • Play Games. This could be a crossword puzzle or games with people around you. You can play “20 Questions,” Hangman, or Pictionary.
  • Choose Not to Get Mad. Say this to yourself. Unless someone’s life is in danger, just let it go. If someone’s life is in danger, then get out of line!
  • Tip: Always bring reading or writing materials with you where ever you go!
4. Waiting – Long Term (to reach a long term goal, future vacation, party, return of a loved one, purchase you want to make, etc.)
  • Break It Into Smaller Chunks. If possible, try to segment your goal into smaller compartments. Focus on today’s portion. Establish mini check points on your way to reaching that goal and celebrate the smaller accomplishments along the way.
  • Distraction. Some things simply require passive waiting such as waiting for a loved one to return from being away. In this case, keep busy. Work on productive things you need to get done anyway.
  • Occasional Daydream. You won’t be able to help it, so when it happens go ahead and indulge in happy thoughts about the thing you are waiting for, assuming it is a good thing.
  • Be Present. Find ways to simply be present today so that your complete focus on today crowds out thoughts of what you are waiting for. Look for the good and the joy in the moment. This is good to do whether what you are waiting for is good or bad.
5. When Things Don’t Work
  • Say No to Anger. When starting a project or upon encountering a roadblock, the first thing you can do that will help you is to decide not to get angry. Anger only serves to drain your energy which you will need for problem solving.
  • Read the Instructions. I always jump right in before reading the instructions. If you do this too, and you run into problems, check the manual.
  • Slow Down. Rushing always brings about accidents and oversights. Take a deep breath and go slow.
  • Ask for Help. This one is easy and hard. It’s hard because we think we are burdening people by asking for help. But most times, people like to be needed, they like to help, and they find it flattering. It’s easy to do. Just ask. Let your pride go and focus on your goal of solving your problem.
  • Take a Break! This is so important. Sometimes you can’t, but most times you can squeeze in at least a short break. Longer breaks are better. During this time your subconscious will be given the space it needs to come up with a solution for you! This almost always helps! Remember to try this!
  • Analyze. Take a step back and assess whether it is worth your time to continue to work on this problem. If not, consider aborting the mission and starting anew.

Monday, June 25, 2012

The Value of Being Impatient

When I was in graduate school I had to take a "History of Psychology" course. It's a prerequisite mandated by APA and although the course has a reputation for being blah--it's mainly a collection of names, dates, and the now mostly obsolete tools and theories they developed--the professor did his best to interject humor and share fun factoids along the way. Three times during the semester we had an in-class test that constituted of 20 short-answer questions. In a class of 25, I was always the first one to finish the test. I never got the highest score, but my goal was to answer as many questions in adequate fashion to make sure I did well enough, then I'd pack up my stuff, hand in the test, and go off to get lunch.

I must admit that there was a certain amount of fun associated with finishing first. It was almost like I was in a race (unbeknownst to my classmates) to get the test over with as soon as possible. It's the closest I've ever come in graduate school to feeling like a race car driver.

You can also argue that I was impatient. And indeed, the thought of picking my brain to squeeze out all the information that was there and then to proceed to write it all out in order to shoot for a slightly higher grade drained my energy. So let me go ahead and own it: when it comes to doing things I don't find valuable, I get impatient.

I feel the exact opposite, though, when it comes to doing things I love. I'm more than happy, for instance, to carry a good, deep conversation for hours. I don't get tired, I feel energized. And it's the same thing when I do therapy. Even when my clients and I seem to be having the exact same conversation about the same topic for the tenth time, I enjoy it immensely because it's part of the process. It's part of the push and pull. We hit a new challenge, a resistance area, and we're engaged until we can reach a new plateau.

Here's what I've learned about impatience: It's an indicator telling me that I'm either doing something I don't particularly care for (e.g. taking a History of Psychology test) or that I'm not fully engaged in what I enjoy doing. If I find myself getting antsy when I'm talking with a client, for example, it means that something is not running on all eight cylinders. There's something about the process that needs attention. Why am I not feeling present? What buttons does that interaction push in me? Do other people in my client's life also feel that way when they interact with him or her?

The other thing I've come to realize is that impatience goes hand in hand with intensity. If you're an impatient person, you're probably also an intense person. I think impatience is intensity that has gotten blocked or channeled into the wrong stream. When I first started being a therapist, a couple of supervisors gave me feedback that I was "intense." I took it as a compliment. I want to be fully there for my clients, to be present in my interaction, to create an open space where all the feelings and emotions and insights get explored.

Sure, it can feel intense, but that's where the healing happens. I often have clients who complain about former therapists: "All she did was nod her head." "He hardly ever challenged my viewpoint or engaged me in real conversation." And they're talking about a lack of intensity. And, of course, I bet that there are therapists who hear the opposite from their clients: "I was looking for someone who'd be quieter and just listen." I think that intensity is not for everyone, but if I can be accepting and intense and join forces with my clients (i.e. have an alliance) then therapy becomes very powerful.

A lot of times, in the beginning stages of therapy, a client will say to me that they don't want to feel depressed or anxious or down anymore. They often qualify it with, "I know I'm being impatient, but... how long do I have to stay depressed for?" A classic answer is to emphasize the importance of being patient: "I know you're feeling this way, but you need to give it time." That doesn't work for me. If anything, it stifles the intensity. I much prefer to build on the intensity that the client is communicating, "I'm also impatient by nature. And it makes total sense that you're feeling impatient about getting better. Let's work together to do everything we can to move forward; of course there'll be times when things feel like they're stuck or even getting worse, but we'll join forces to make headways. And if for any reason we see we're not moving forward, we'll explore all other options and see what we can do."

I like impatient clients--and not just because they remind me of myself. They bring energy and intensity and purpose to therapy. They're motivated. They have an agenda to get better and that's exactly the energy I'm looking for. I think all of us have that intensity, to some degree, but we've learned to mask it. And in my experience as a therapist, more often than not, suffocating the intensity is a large part of why a person is feeling bad in the first place.


Thursday, June 7, 2012

Patience as we all know is a virtue. Impatience is a frustrating feeling to have to contend with, and we have all experienced it at some time or another. If you cast your mind back as far as it will go you will no doubt remember times as a child when you felt incredibly impatient. As a child you learn that the desire of "I want it now" is not always fulfilled.

The coping style which you learned as a child is generally the pattern which pops out spontaneously in later life. If you learned that kicking and screaming loudly enough will result in mom caving in and letting you "have it now" you are likely to experience severe frustration in adult life as not everyone else responds like mom did to such behavior!

If, on the other hand, your mom was firm, soothing and encouraging, you are likely to have acquired a different mind-set when faced with inconveniences and potential set-backs. I am clearly painting two diverse pictures here; the majority of us will fall somewhere in the spectrum of grey shades which lie within the middle ground.

It may seem unfair that your reactions towards events in life now are so dependent upon things which happened years ago, but this is how your mind works. Every event which we are faced with forms a learning experience which shapes our expectations of the future. You know yourself that when you encounter a situation which is in any way similar to one which has happened before you tend to instinctively associate with that past event; this effectively triggers similar feelings to those felt previously.

Thus if something in the past created a feeling of fear, this same feeling will pop out in the present whenever you encounter similar circumstances. If the feeling was happiness, then the same sensation would be triggered now. Whatever the feeling was then will automatically pop into your awareness now, without you even consciously thinking about it.

Current events and new experiences can of course temper these learned reactions and coping styles, but it can take a lot of effort to overcome those instinctive feelings...unless you employ the assistance of hypnosis. Hypnosis allows access to the part of your mind where your deeper beliefs and expectations are stored. Hypnosis allows you to access and to change your instinctive reactions and coping styles.

Patience is clearly linked to ones levels of confidence. Impatience usually appears when one feels thwarted, when you don't feel in control or perhaps feel that your hands are tied. You want something to happen now, but you cannot seem to do anything to speed things up. A person with abundant levels of confidence will accept the situation as it is; they will not fight it or rail against it. Rather, they will work with it.

Confidence allows a person to see a situation clearly and to look for different options. As you think you can do something you find a way in which to do it. When you think you cannot do something, you do not even look for those options and opportunities; this leads to frustration and frequent bouts of impatience.